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7 signs being ‘too nice’ is ruining your life (fawn trauma alert)

Are you stuck in a never-ending cycle of people-pleasing, even at the expense of your own well-being? It might be deeper than you think.

In this article, we'll explore the signs and effects of fawning, a trauma response that often goes unnoticed.

Depressed sad and african girl in home with anxiety for future with upset expression worry and concern
Photo by YuriArcursPeopleimages

So, what is fawning? 

Pete Walker, a psychotherapist and PTSD expert, defines fawning as a maladaptive response to create safety in relationships. It involves people-pleasing: mirroring others' expectations, needs, and desires while neglecting one's needs to avoid conflict or harm. 


But how does fawning come into play? 

It is one of the four fear responses: Fight, Flight, Freeze, or Fawn. And it can be triggered by childhood trauma, domestic violence, bullying, racism, kidnapping, war captivity, and cults.


However, one can get trapped in “fawn mode” if our nervous system gets dysregulated due to early or consistent exposure to trauma.


So, what are the warning signs that your overly “nice” behavior might be rooted in fawning? Let's find out!


Solitary retreat

Do you frequently isolate yourself, preferring your own company over interacting with others? Well, this can be influenced by trauma.

Past trauma can make people withdraw from social interactions. It's like a defense mechanism, you know?

And there's more to it too.

Fawners shut down their own emotions to satisfy the emotional needs of others. Ultimately, this constant people-pleasing makes fawners mentally and emotionally exhausted.

So, to cope with overwhelming demands, fawners create a protective barrier by mentally disconnecting from people.


Harmonious appeasement

Fawners often go to extreme lengths to please others and avoid potential conflicts and are often afraid of saying or doing something that could upset others. This behavior is closely tied to setting high standards and striving for perfection, as fawners worry that any mistake or disagreement could result in losing the people they care about.


Apology reflex

Do you constantly say "sorry," even when it's not your fault? You always apologize to keep the peace and prevent potential disagreements. It feels like you've got an automatic "sorry" button. According to psychotherapist Katie McKenna, excessive apologizing is a common characteristic of fawning behavior.


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Helper’s burden

Do you constantly find yourself preoccupied with other people’s problems but struggle to accept help for yourself? Is it challenging to let others assist you because you prefer to be the one offering help? Fawning can lead individuals to develop a pattern of self-reliance, making it hard to accept help from others and finding it uncomfortable to be on the receiving end of support.


Altruistic neglect

Fawners often think about everyone's problems except theirs. Likewise, they often feel a strong need to keep others happy and may disregard their own issues in the process. Do you prioritize solving everyone else's problems? Your kindness and selflessness are admirable, but it's essential to remember that your needs matter too. 


Perfectionist idealism

Fawners often struggle with perfectionism because they fear failure and feel the need to be perfect in everything they do. Sadly, this pursuit of perfection can lead to ongoing stress and unhappiness when they can't meet their unrealistic expectations. Do you always feel bad when you don't satisfy everyone? Remember, you're human, not a superhero.


Suppressed emotional eruptions 

Fawners prioritize their loved ones' happiness, making it hard for them to open up during tough times. They fear burdening their loved ones with their issues. As a result, emotions build up and can become overwhelming. Eventually, fawners may have sudden outbursts or find relief by expressing their feelings to strangers or on platforms like social media, where the stakes feel lower.


So, are you “too nice” for your own good? 

If you can relate to these signs, it's possible that fawning – a trauma response – plays a role in your overly "nice" behavior. 

But fear not! 

Change is possible. You hold the power to reclaim your self-worth, learn new behaviours, and unlearn old ones.


Talk to a therapist and start feeling better today!


Being nice doesn’t mean sacrificing yourself to please others—it’s about finding a middle ground where kindness, self-respect, and self-compassion coexist.

So, if you feel stuck in “fawn” mode or are seriously struggling to recover from trauma, know that it’s okay to ask a mental healthcare professional for help. 


You can be kind and understanding without neglecting your needs. If you’re wondering how to start, this video here may help! How To Stop People Pleasing.


For more resources, you'll find all relevant studies in the references.


Remember, you are special, and your well-being is important! 


Which signs can you relate to?


Let us know in the comment section. 


          

          References:

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