Is it selfish to rely on your partner for happiness?
It is selfish to put the responsibility for your happiness and sadness on someone else. Hear me out.
There is a lot of angst in this text I am about to scribe. There is a lot of tension in these words I am about to punch. There's a lot of boiled resentment fuming through the warm breath of my dry nostrils. There are a lot of thoughts and unpopular opinions about to be spilled. Sit upright and focus on every word as you scroll, for in the digital web of obscurity and lies, nuggets of truths like these are rare.
‘On relationships, we’ve gotten it all wrong’
By ‘we’ I mean every single specimen of the human species, running helter-skelter from town to city. Hopping on and off dating apps and social media in the grand quest to find love, within the context of that special relationship that we like to delude ourselves will make our lives suddenly more magical.
First of all, we go into relationships for the wrong reasons. We might claim our decision to start romantic relationships is to cure the lingering sting of loneliness. Perhaps, we might trick ourselves into believing it is to expand our hearts beyond our ribs or to learn how to take accountability and responsibility for our actions towards another. Regardless of whichever of these reasons we enter relationships, underlying is a sinister desire to project the insecurities/flaws/demons/ we are too scared and weak to face alone.
One may wonder, one might protest, “And so? Is that so bad?”
On the surface, it's as harmless as the three-letter words we use to lock ourselves in emotional cages. But beneath this bed of roses, we walk or lay on, is a cluster of worms that eats us up from bottom to top, from in and out.
How exactly?
Before I go on, I don't want this piece to come off as some anti-love campaign. Neither do I want it to come off like it is coming from a place of hurt. Despite the volatile fervour in which I write this message I hope will reach the darkest and brightest corners of the internet; it comes from a place of love and the sheer desire to stop seeing the innocent word and meaning abused. Most especially misinterpreted as the complete opposite of what it is meant to be.
On relationships, we’ve gotten it all wrong. In the sense that we have been conditioned by film, media and fiction to believe love & relationships is the complete dependence on one another for every form of validation and joy. Not only is this unrealistic in God’s green earth you and I live in but this twisted idea of love leaves both the lover and the beloved unfulfilled, drained, and lost. Unfortunately, that is the version of love that's popular today, That is the kind of love we crave. That is the kind we cry and squeeze our pillows wishing and praying for, That is the kind of love we are willing to live and die for.
Whereas, the best kind of relationship is one where the couple thrives independently. Where you're not so needy and dependent on one another for validation, identity and purpose. A great relationship is one where you and your significant other derive happiness outside of the relationship. A relationship in which you grow into your best versions of yourselves without or without their contribution. This way you both don't suffocate one another all in the name of hormones and emotions guised as the famous four-letter word.
This is a healthy kind of relationship. The kind where regardless of how much you love one another, you still put yourselves, first. Sigh I look forward to the era when this type of relationship won't be deemed unpopular. And I think that era is fast approaching. At least for anyone ready to step into it. Like I have and I hope you will.
We have defined love as the obsessive need for control of our partner's feelings and for our partner to influence ours. And I think it's selfish to put the responsibility for your happiness or sadness on someone else. A relationship where you lose yourself in the name of love isn't one worth remaining in. We can romanticise it through music, TikToks, Wattpad, & Hollywood however, we want but at the end of the day, you need to miss each other for the relationship to work. Just as you need time together, you both need your space outside of one another’s orbit.
This is a realistic piece. There's no such thing as a better half. You need to be whole as an individual before you can show up at your best in relationships. Two whole individuals make the best unions.