Why heartbreak hurts and how to heal

Whether it’s the end of a romantic relationship, the loss of a loved one or the rejection of a job opportunity, heartbreak remains one of the most overwhelming, agonizing, excruciating, debilitating experiences known to man.

During my previous heartbreak experience, I remember saying, “I don't wish this kind of pain on anyone, not even the devil.”

But why does heartbreak hurt so much?

Scientists have discovered exactly what is happening in our bodies and brain when we go through the agony of breakup.

Your brain and hormones play a major role in the chemistry of heartbreak.

Your brain's response

First, it’s essential to understand that the brain processes emotional pain and physical pain in similar ways. When we experience heartbreak, the parts of our brain that are activated in response to physical pain are also activated in response to emotional suffering. This is why heartbreak can feel so physically painful as if your heart is breaking or extremely heavy to carry.

Hormones!

To understand the connection between hormones and heartbreak, you first need to understand the role that hormones play in love. When you fall in love, your brain release chemicals that make you feel extremely happy/excited and emotionally attached to your partner. One of the key hormones involved in this process is dopamine, a neurotransmitter associated with feelings of pleasure and reward.

Dopamine is released when we do things that we enjoy, such as eating delicious food or having sex, and it is also released when we spend time with someone we love.

Another hormone that is involved in the chemistry of love is oxytocin, often referred to as the "cuddle hormone." Oxytocin is released during physical touches, such as hugging or kissing and is thought to play a role in social bonding and trust. In romantic relationships, the release of oxytocin can help to strengthen the emotional connection between partners.

But what happens when that connection is broken? What happens when our partner becomes emotionally distant?

What hormonal changes happen when someone we love breaks up with us?

How heartbreak symptoms are created

When we experience heartbreak, the hormone levels in our bodies are disrupted, leading to emotional and physical symptoms. For example, when we are in love, our cortisol levels, a stress hormone, are often ‘lower than usual’. However, when we experience heartbreak, our cortisol and adrenaline levels skyrocket! Leading to symptoms such as anxiety, depression, loss of appetite and insomnia.

Photo by RODNAE Productions

Similarly, the levels of dopamine and oxytocin in our bodies can be affected by heartbreak. When we are no longer receiving the rewards associated with being in love, our dopamine levels can drop, leading to feelings of sadness and withdrawal. When a relationship ends or we fail to achieve a goal, the withdrawal of these chemicals makes us feel empty, lonely, depressed, and anxious. A decrease in oxytocin makes it difficult to trust and connect with others.

This is the reason why heartbroken people have the desire to isolate themselves or lack the energy to talk to others.

Your feelings are valid and unique

It's worth noting that the hormonal changes associated with heartbreak are not the same for everyone. Some people may experience a rapid/sudden drop in hormone levels, leading to more intense symptoms, while others may have a more gradual decrease. Individual differences in hormone levels and responses to stress play a role in how we experience heartbreak, and handle the phase.

In addition to these biological factors, there are also psychological and social factors that contribute to heartbreak. For example, we may experience feelings of shame, guilt, and regret when a relationship ends, particularly if we feel that we could have done something differently. We may also struggle with isolation and loneliness, particularly if we have lost a loved one or experienced a significant rejection.

You can cope with heartbreak

You can do it!

So, how can you deal with the hormonal and psychological effects of heartbreak?

While it may feel like the pain will never go away, these four strategies can help.

1. The first vital step is to acknowledge and accept our feelings rather than try to suppress or deny them. There’s no quick fix for healing intense heartbreak; you’re human, and your heart is not a machine with feelings ‘on and off’ buttons.

2. Often after a breakup, due to the change in brain chemistry, we go into isolation, shying away from social contact. However, this is the opposite of what you should do. Seek out connections with friends and family and do things you enjoy, as this will help to bring back some of the dopamine and serotonin doses we are missing so much after the breakup. The earlier you can do this, the better for your healing process.

3. Focus on self-care, such as getting enough sleep, exercising regularly, and eating a healthy diet. These behaviours can help to regulate hormone levels and reduce symptoms of stress and anxiety.

4. It's very important to seek support from trusted friends and family or to consider talking to a professional therapist or counsellor who can help guide and support you during this difficult time.

Ultimately, the science of heartbreak reminds us that we are complex beings, with biological and psychological factors influencing our emotions and behaviours.

Knowledge brings liberation

Now you know what’s going on in your brain and your body.

I hope this brings you some relief. This understanding can change everything. It can help you develop strategies for coping with this challenging and painful experience and emerge stronger, wiser, and more resilient.

You are not alone

So the next time you feel that aching pain in your heart which comes with the feelings of rejection, remember that what you are feeling is completely normal; that’s exactly what every heartbroken person is feeling right now. You are not alone.

Heartbreak is a transitory period of life. Your feelings are not permanent. You're hearing this from someone with years of experience as a heartbreak counsellor.

The best thing you can do for yourself right now is to be kind—to yourself. Treat your heart with care. Give your body, soul and spirit the love and attention you’re willing to give that Ex who disappointed and betrayed your love.

Remember that healing from heartbreak is a process, and it takes time. Be patient with yourself and trust that you will get through this. You deserve to love and be loved, and there is someone out there who will appreciate and cherish you for who you are.